In this piece of writing, I found that I have several problems that I need to fix.
To begin with, the introduction needs some improvements. The hook is not attractive enough, but I think it's not a bad one. The thesis for this essay is very detailed, but I think it's not very concise. I used a lot of words to describe the characteristics of rice noodles in general, so I need to shorten it. I am thinking about combine some of them.
In addition, I have a lot of comma splice mistakes that u have ignored before. Then found these errors and I revised them. These comma splice sentences basically have two independents clauses, which I think are common mistakes to me. I can use less "I" in the beginning of sentences, instead use some strong descriptive words.
Besides those, the last sentence of each paragraph is not very connective to the thesis, but the topic sentence of each paragraph is good though. I probably need to work on the connection between the last sentence of each paragraph to the thesis using similar words that I used in the thesis.
I think I did a good description of the rice noodles, but not vividly enough. Using more details, and describe it from senses like its smell, it's looking.
In short, these are the things I am working on and I will keep working on in order to make my writing better.
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